


This and That - Comment Fics

by Slybrarian



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Bondage, Comment Fic, Dark, Friendship, Homophobia, Humor, Kink, Multi, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-22
Updated: 2009-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-03 14:16:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 8,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slybrarian/pseuds/Slybrarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various random comment fics and other such things, featuring various pairings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ropes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comment Fic: SGA, Sheppard/McKay/Lorne, rope

"You know," Lorne said as he surveyed their work, "this is a pretty good look on him, isn't it?."

"Yeah, it is," Sheppard agreed. "I definitely like the peace and quiet, too."

McKay didn't voice an opinion, due to the gag in his mouth. He was bent over an ottoman with his hands tied behind his back and a makeshift spreader bar connecting his cuffed ankles. A plug had been inserted in his ass and a blindfold placed around his eyes. He couldn't move much because Lorne had just finished looping another rope around his chest and arms and then down under the ottoman. As it was there was just enough space between his legs and the cushions that his cock was unsupported and was now hanging low and full between his thighs. A final loop of rope was tied around it and his balls, making them stand out from his body even more.

"What do you think we should do now, sir?" Lorne asked.

"I don't know," Sheppard said. He scratched at his jaw. "I could use a snack. We could just leave him here like this and go see if the mess has any cookies."

Lorne shook his head and chuckled. "That wouldn't be very safe, sir." He paused, then added thoughtfully, "Although I think they may be baking chocolate chip ones today. Maybe we could have one of the guys bring us some."

McKay let out a muffled whine, either because of annoyance at being ignored or because of the idea of some anonymous marine seeing him tied up.

"Hmm," Sheppard said. "I don't know if he likes that idea or not."

"I think he does," Lorne replied. He squatted down and ran his fingertip down McKay's cock, eliciting another whine. "See, he sounded sorta like that the first time."

"I'm not sure. I might have been more like this." Sheppard gave McKay's butt a slap, and yeah, maybe the first whine was like that, although not quite.

"Maybe he's just hungry," Lorne suggested. "We could feed him something."

"It would be nice to have him put that mouth to use for something other than bitching," Sheppard said. "Think we should fuck him from both ends at once?"

Lorne tilted his head. "I think we should save that for later. I've always wondered if he could tell our cocks apart without knowing who's using his mouth."

"I don't know how difficult it would be. I'm a lot bigger." Sheppard smirked and gave his cock a few strokes.

Lorne snorted. "Bullshit."

"Okay, maybe it's not that much of a difference. Still, you're noisier. He could tell that way."

Lorne grinned. "And you make weird restrained grunting noises. Fortunately, I liberated a set of ear protectors. He won't hear a thing."

"Always prepared, aren't you, Major?"

"I try, sir."

Lorne retrieved the ear protectors and gently put them on McKay, giving him a reassuring pet on his neck as he did. Lorne glanced up at Sheppard, who held out a fist. Lorne rolled his his eyes and held out his as well, and after a count of three he threw scissors. Sheppard sighed and waved for Lorne to go ahead. Lorne unbuckled the gag and eased it out of McKay's mouth, then gave him a few moments to adjust before he lifted his cock to McKay's lips.

McKay swallowed him eagerly. His tongue licked around the head of Lorne's cock as he bobbed up and down along its length. Lorne had to put his hands behind his back to keep them out of McKay's hair, not wanting to give him any extra clues, and before a few minutes had passed he backed away to give Sheppard a shot.

Sheppard took Lorne's place before McKay immediately and shoved his cock into his mouth. McKay grunted in surprise but after a moment went to work just as eager as before. Lorne enjoyed the show, watching McKay's cheeks hollow out as he sucked and Sheppard bite his lips as he tried to stay quiet. Like Lorne, Sheppard pulled out after only a short time.

"Want to make a guess?" Sheppard asked after taking the ear protectors off. "Give us the right answer and we'll let you come an extra time."

McKay hesitated, then said, "Evan, then John."

Lorne grinned. "I knew you could do it, doc."

"That could just be luck," Sheppard pointed out. "It's a fifty-fifty chance."

"True," Lorne said. "Maybe we should do best out of three..."

"Hey!" McKay protested.

"I think I like that idea," Sheppard said. "I wonder if he can tell who's fucking him, too?"

"Only one way to find out, sir."


	2. Unpleasant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theme: Bad sex. Prompt: internalized homophobia

Cam doesn't like what he's doing.

He doesn't like it when John kneels before him and waits silently for Cam to beat him with a folded-up belt; doesn't like the whimpers John finally lets out as he starts to loose control over himself. He doesn't like calling John a fag, a cocksucker, a slut, a worthless piece of meat only good for fucking. His body might like it when he roughly shoves his cock down John's throat or up his ass, but Cam, no, he doesn't like it at all.

It's what John needs, though, or at least what he thinks he needs, and Cam's going to give him it whether Cam likes it or not.

There's days when Cam would give a lot to find out who it was that made John associate his sexuality with weakness and failure. Maybe it was his father, maybe some other role model like a CO, maybe a friend or comrade, maybe it was all of the above. It's probably for the best that Cam doesn't know, though, because if he did he might be tempted to take advantage of his contacts and see to it that whoever it was spends the rest of their lives alone on some cold, uninhabited planet. In all honesty the quiet, seething rage that Cam feels whenever John shows up at his door after some disaster with empty eyes and a blank expression scares Cam a little. Sometimes he has to be careful not to take that rage out on John and make sure he hits just hard enough to give John the pain he wants without leaving a mark. It's not difficult most days, because he's never been able to hurt John on purpose, but once or twice it's been a struggle.

Some times Cam wants to say 'no' and not help John this way, but he always gives in. He would rather John work out his issues with Cam, where Cam knows he's safe, than somewhere else. Maybe it really is helping, for that matter. It's happening less and less, and these days more often than not when John appears it's with a smile, beer, and a DVD, and when they have sex they can both enjoy it.

Afterwards, when John's peacefully asleep and finally relaxed, when Cam's spooned up behind him and holding him in his arms, Cam whispers in John's ear, "Some day we won't have to do this anymore."

When that day comes, Cam's going to celebrate.


	3. When in Atlantis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stargate SG-1/SGA, Daniel/Rodney, "When in Atlantis..."

The first time Daniel saw it, he thought it was just a sign of how the civilian-run Atlantis was different from the SGC. There you wouldn't see a pair of civilians openly holding hands in the corridors. The thing is, it isn't just the civilians, and now that he'd seen the first pair he's seeing them everywhere. Here a pair of soldiers hugged each other before going separate ways, there two guys in the mess were leaning against each other, over yonder a pair of Canadians lay intertwined on a couch while napping. As Jack might say, once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action. A dozen times? Just plain weird.

Under normal circumstances, Rodney McKay wouldn't have been Daniel's first choice to ask about this sort of thing. As it is, though, he's the one with Daniel as they search for Janus' lab, and if anyone has noticed something odd it would be him.

"Is it just me, or are there a bunch of gay couples around here?" To illustrate, Daniel nodded toward a trio of off-duty marines who were walking a little too close together and leering at each other in a way that really left no doubt as to what they'd be doing later.

"Hmm?" Rodney says. "Oh. That. Yes, there are."

Daniel waits for him to say more, then adds, "More than you'd expect there to be statistically?"

"Yes, well, you know, gay ray and all that."

"Gay ray?" Daniel repeats incredulously.

"Or maybe it's something in the water, we're not sure."

Daniel rubs at his brow. "What?"

Rodney looks at him in exasperation for a moment before he realizes something. "Ooooh, right, you probably don't know. Funny, I would have thought Sam would have told you. Atlantis turns anyone who stays here more than a few days gay. Well, bisexual, but since men outnumber women four to one it's effectively the same thing."

"Really?"

"Yep."

""Why?"

"It's the Ancients," Rodney says, and yeah, that's probably as good an answer as any.

They pass a couple making out in an alcove and Daniel asks, "And everyone's fine with the all these PDAs?"

"Sheppard claims it's good for morale, but personally I think that's just an excuse for him to shove Lorne up against random walls." Rodney eyes him suspiciously. "Don't tell me Daniel Jackson, Peaceful Explorer has a problem with gays."

"What? No, it's just a bit shocking." Daniel thinks about it a bit more, then says, "Okay, shock over."

Then he shoves Rodney up against a wall, kisses him, and sticks his hand down his pants. Rodney sputters for a moment before he gets with the program and kisses back.  
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	4. Hangups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stargate Atlantis/Stargate SG1, John/Cameron, hang-ups/expectations after past lovers

After John's been fucked long and hard in a way that's going to leave him sore for days in all the right ways, after he's gotten a sloppy and enthusiastic blowjob, after Cam's fallen asleep and is softly snoring, John slips out of the bed. He knows how this works, even if Cam hasn't said anything. Cam might have taken him under his wing since John was forced into exile, might have given John emotional companionship and physical release, but that didn't mean this had been more than a buddy fuck. Fuck buddies, especially military fuck buddies, don't spend the night in the other's guy bed; they don't give in to the urge to stay curled up next the warm heat of their buddy's body; they certainly don't let themselves pretend that the other guy might be more than just a buddy, even for one night.

John finds his jeans and slips them on, hunts in the dark for his underwear and socks for a minute before giving them up as a lost cause, then as quietly as he can he opens the bedroom door so he can slip out to the living room. He's not quiet enough, though, and he freezes when he hears the sheets rustle behind him.

After a moment Cam murmurs in a sleepy voice, "Where are you going?"

"I thought," John says, and stops. He doesn't look behind him, not sure he wants to see what Cam's expression is like one way or another. "I should go."

"Stay," Cam says, and when John doesn't move he adds, "There'll be pancakes if you do."

John hesitates for a long minute, tore between what should be and what apparently is, until he finally undoes his fly and lets his pants drop again.

"Okay," he says while smiling despite himself. "Just because of the pancakes, though."


	5. Too Much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comment fic (Bad!Sex theme): stargate atlantis, Lorne/rodney, BDSM Lorne top, anal sex without lube but with submissive pre-cum or wet cock after blow-job (it's too hard ?)

Evan wasn't sure he could ever get enough of being sucked off by Rodney. Unsurprisingly the man was very, very good with his mouth. That was why Rodney was naked and on his knees before Evan, who hadn't even bothered to strip before he had pulled his cock out and shoved it down Rodney's throat.

On the other hand, Rodney's mouth wasn't his only nice asset...

"Get up," Evan growled, and when Rodney had done that, "Bend over the desk."

"What? No! Sucking you is one thing, but I'm not!" Rodney shut up and his eyes widened when Evan fingered his ka-bar. With a gulp he nodded and bent over, spreading his legs wide as he did.

"Nice ass," Evan said, giving it a smack. He spread Rodney's cheeks to expose his waiting hole. Evan spat onto his hand and rubbed it against the ring of muscle.

"Wait, what about lube?" Rodney squawked.

"You've got me plenty wet already," Evan said. He stepped behind Rodney, lined himself up, and shoved inside. Rodney yelped and nearly bucked right off the desk; Evan had to lean forward and press down on his shoulders to keep him from moving. Rodney's ass was tight and the friction was almost uncomfortable, but it was slick enough for Evan's purposes. He began to thrust hard and fast, his thighs slapping against Rodney's and his spit-slick cock pumping in and out of Rodney's unprepared hole.

Beneath him Rodney squirmed and wriggled, pained whimpers overlapping Evan's pleased grunts with each thrust. He didn't sound like he was enjoying things at all, even after a minute had passed; if anything his gasps were getting even more ragged and sob-like. Evan was just starting to frown and slow down when Rodney suddenly shouted, "Arcturus!"

Evan reacted instantly, pulling out and backing away a few steps. Rodney's face was red as he stood up straight. He wobbled a little and stumbled back a step, right into Evan's supportive arms.

"It's okay, it's okay," Evan said as gently pulled Rodney over to the bed and eased him down onto it. Evan sat down next to him and wrapped his arms around Rodney. "What'd I do wrong?"

"Nothing," Rodney said, shivering in Evan's arms and blinking tears from his eyes. He swallowed a couple times and his voice was less ragged as he went on, "My fault. Should have realized that being taken rough with just spit for lube might be a bit more painful than I'd like."

Evan smiled and pressed a kiss to the back of Rodney's neck. "That's not your fault, Rodney. You're pretty damned tough when you need to be."

"'Need to be' being the important part. A few smacks are okay, but apparently there's a line when playing around." Rodney cocked his head and his problem-solving expression appeared on his face. "Getting taken rough, though, that's on the good side of the line. Mind if we try again tomorrow? I could lube myself up a little beforehand. Hmm... and maybe you could bring some rope...."

"Anything you want, Rodney."


	6. Flyboys Marriage Drabble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No on 8 John/Cam comment thing.

"So," John said.

"So," Cam replied.

"Legal gay marriage, nation-wide."

"That's what the news says, yeah."

"Huh." John scratched his head. "Your team gets us stranded off-world for a month and we miss all the excitement."

"My team?" Cam repeated indignantly. "It was McKay that melted that Ancient transporter."

"Which he was trying to fix only because Carter broke the control computer."

"It wouldn't have zapped us to that moon base in the first place if you hadn't been touching things."

"Jackson told me to."

"And you listened to him."

"Haven't we already had this conversation a hundred times?"

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a minute before John said, "So anyways."

"So?"

"Your mom and dad aren't exactly getting younger."

"Yes...."

"Which means they may not be around for much longer. And you know, they've already essentially adopted me into the family...."

Cam nodded slowly but didn't say anything.

"And for that matter, we're getting a little up there ourselves."

"Speak for yourself, Sheppard."

"You're older than I am."

"By calendar date, sure, but you spent six months in a time-dilation field. That makes us even."

"Okay, never mind, that's beside the point." John paused for a moment. "You know, with our jobs, you never know when something weird might happen, and it's a lot easier when a person's next-of-kin is in the know about the program."

"Hard to explain aliens turning you into a bug to someone who doesn't know about aliens."

"Exactly." John paused again. "Did you know that Teyla can officiate at weddings?"

Cam shrugged. "No, but it makes sense. Teal'c can, too."

"Did you know that a lot of alien worlds won't negotiate with you unless you're married to someone?"

"John, are you just listing off facts about marriage at random, or are you going to, say, ask a question at some point?"

John hesitated. "Maybe?"

"Christ, you're hopeless. Yes, I will."

John grinned. "Cool."


	7. Job Satisfaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happyfest 08 entry 1

It wasn't that Chuck disliked working at Stargate Command or living on Earth. He was just having a little trouble adjusting.

After all, the SGC wasn't that bad of a place to have a job, even it it was a drab grey hole in the ground rather than an spacious city on the sea. Sure, they made him work the night shift ever single day, but that was okay with him. For one thing, the days were the wrong length anyways and he was still on Atlantis time, so it actually helped him sleep a little better. It was quieter then, too, with most of the scientists having gone home and most of the teams done for the day, and yet was still busy enough to be interesting because of teams heading to planets where local day was just starting. For some reason, it was mostly SG-13 who got those missions, but they were good people, even if Colonel Dixon still called Chuck "Moose Guy". He couldn't help it, after all, what with having taken a few too many blows to the head. Probably. At least, Chuck assumed Dixon hadn't always been like that....

Anyways, if he thought about it, it had been nice of the SGC to make room for him. It wasn't like they had to give him a job, after all. He was sure there was a good reason that they didn't let him help out in the labs with the Ancient technology despite having worked with it for two and a half years. Besides, working in the control room was more than satisfying enough for him, even if it most consisted of sitting at a boring old Earth computer watching the absurdly old and primitive stargate spin and clunk like a rotary phone, and even if he was forced to call out "chevron fifty encoded" as if anyone cared. It actually made a bit of sense to do that, really, since maybe at some point a chevron wouldn't encode. The SGC's dialing program was a kludged-together mess that occasionally broke the space-time continuum or nearly blew up stars and so forth, quite unlike Chuck's old sleek DHD that controlled a system which had been perfected over the course of five million years.

The people were decent, too. Colonel Mitchell seemed to be making sure the Colonel didn't sit in his apartment all day doing nothing, and Colonel Carter and Doctor Jackson made sure to consult Atlantis veterans about any interesting Ancient-related things that came up. Teal'c seemed to be supportive in a silent, looming way, and Vala was... well, Vala was Vala. Cheerful and lots of fun, but it was best to watch your wallet while she was around.

As for the rest of the staff, well, Bill Lee almost blew up the jumper and narrowly escaped death at the hands of the Colonel, the Major, Doctors McKay and Zelenka... easier just to say 'everyone who had ever touched a jumper' and leave it at that. General Landry probably wasn't as creepy and mean as he seemed on first impression, and it wasn't fair to expect him to be as good as Elizabeth Weir. Then there were all the marines and airmen who looked down their noses at Chuck, and the clueless scientists who'd be dead within a week on Atlantis, and the mess cooks who never had any real coffee or pinka-seed cookies, and the medical staff who didn't even have a proper scanner. There was also the way everyone seemed to regard all the Atlantis vets as being paranoid and a bit too close to each other was a little annoying as well, as was the way they seemed to be dumping all the busywork and crap jobs on the Lanteans....

Actually, on second thought, most of the people at the SGC were assholes, except for SG-1. SGs-3 and 13 were also okay, as were the Colonel's bumbling and doomed newbies.

In fact, the SGC just plain sucked donkey balls, and the only reason that Chuck didn't take vacation time and visit Benton or New Cousin Maggie was that it was currently winter. Chuck was used to tropical weather, and he wasn't setting foot in Canada until the snow was lower than his waist. He probably would have needed to eventually, though, before he did something impolite like let SG-5 splatter on the iris like they deserved.

Fortunately, Team Sheppard saved the day first, and Chuck was on the next flight back to Atlantis. He wasn't sure he approved of the new paint scheme, but at least he was home.


	8. Crazy Uncle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Happyfest

When Cam returned from the de-Ba'aling ceremony, he did the following things: got a standard post-mission checkup, changed into his civvies, made a hasty exit from the mountain before Landry could drop any paperwork on him, picked up a pizza, and got home to find his Crazy Great Uncle John had broken in and was on his couch watching the Food Network. That last part was, to say the least, a bit unexpected.

"Holy crap," Cam said, nearly dropping the pizza box. "Aren't you dead?"

"I know your momma taught you better manners than that, boy," Crazy Great Uncle John said, not even looking away from the TV.

"Uh. Right. Hi, Uncle John, how are you?" Cam asked, cautiously walking further into the apartment.

"I'm fine, Cameron. How about you?"

Cam carefully sat the pizza box down on his kitchen table, trying not to turn his back to the... ghost? Hologram? Genuine crazy old coot? "I'm good, although little bit startled to find you here."

Uncle John muted the TV and awkwardly turned to face him. He had a broad grin on face and sounded amused. "I would have called ahead, but that would have spoiled the surprise."

"Surprise," Cam repeated. "Don't take this the wrong way, sir, but I'm a bit surprised you're still alive. Grandad dropped dead, what, twenty years ago? And you can't be a day under a hundred."

Uncle John nodded. "A hundred and twenty next year. You know what the say - clean living, plenty of exercise, aliens fucking around with your body, all key to a long and happy life. I bet it was the Asgard that did it, weird little bastards."

"Yeah, aliens," Cam started to say, because there was a reason Great Uncle John was Crazy Great Uncle John, and then his brain caught up with his ears and he all but shouted, "Wait, Asgard?"

"You know, creepy little grey people, about yay high," Uncle John held up his hand a few feet off the floor, "blew themselves up after giving us some space guns? May or may not probe you while you're asleep? You do know about the Asgard, right? Because if the timeline's fucked again, you're fixing it, not me."

"Timeline," Cam said faintly. He felt for the armchair and carefully sat down. "How about you start explaining what the hell you're talking about?"

"I'm you, only from another timeline - well, really this one, only where Ba'al managed to use his stupid time machine to rewrite the timeline before I got stuck in the new timeline with Sam and Daniel, then I had to go back to the thirties to fix the timeline before Ba'al sank grandad's ship. My damned personal timeline's a fucking pretzel now."

"...uh," Cam managed to say.

"Anyways, there I was, stuck in the damned thirties, grandad invites me to visit the family, and I figure, hey, he already saw Ba'al and the gate work, what's the harm? So I stuck around for a while and dropped off the radar when you joined the Snakeskinners like you were supposed to." Uncle John shrugged. "And now I'm finally back to when I started, so here I am."

"Let me get this straight. You're me, from today, only you went back in time because Ba'al really did have a plan, and lived through the past?"

"Yep!"

"Wow." Cam thought about it, wishing for a moment that Sam was there and then deciding that would just lead to an even bigger headache, and eventually concluded aloud, "That must have sucked."

"You have no idea."

"And no one knew about this until now?"

"Nope! Well, no one but O'Neill. Told him a week ago, wanted to make sure he sent SG-3 or someone to blow up the damned superweapon."

Cam sputtered. "... you mean that O'Neill - General Jack O'Neill, the man I was just off-world with, knew about this shit and didn't tell me?"

Uncle John - no, Crazy Old Cam - chuckled. "He's probably laughing his ass off right now. He couldn't tell you, of course. Timeline and all that. I suppose we could have told him now, and I did have some letters ready to mail in case I dropped dead, but I wanted to get a head start on the arrangements."

"Arrangements for what?" Cam could think of a few things that might need arranging, like debriefings or pensions or a will, but that didn't seem too time-sensitive.

"The wedding."

Cam blinked and tried to think of anyone in the family who was engaged. "Who's wedding?"

"The one you and John are having. By the way, I took the liberty of hacking your email and sending a proposal in the last databurst. There should be a reply soon."

"What?" Cam said dumbly.

"Don't worry, the wording and everything was perfect. I had plenty of time to write it, after all, and I made sure to read your journal to refresh my memore. He'll say yes, and if he doesn't, I'll have T beat him senseless until he does. I'm not letting his inability to express his damned feelings derail everything at this late date."

_"What?"_

"I also made sure to get all the major issues taken care of so that you don't have to worry about them. I talked about the legal problems with Jack and the President -"

** _"President?"_ **

"- and they were happy to help out. I even got you command of the Phoenix and stationed permanently in Atlantis. You'd be amazed what people will do for you after you spend eighty-some years saving the world."

"Guh," Cam managed to say.

Crazy Old Cam eyed Cam suspiciously. "This is the point where you say, 'Thank you for making all this possible, and of course I'm not backing out and crushing your long-held dreams,' boy."

"I..." Cam swallowed a protest, because he knew exactly where this conversation would head if he said anything. He knew he wouldn't be above playing the 'I fought the war for you people' card or God knew what other kinds of dirty tricks - like calling Mom. "Thank you?"

"You're welcome." Crazy Old Cam picked a planner off the couch. "Obviously we'll need to talk to John about some of the details, but I was thinking either Daniel or Teal'c as your best man, and we can have Pastor Jim officiate..."

"I need a beer," Cam said, climbing to his feet and swaying a bit.

"Get me one too, and some of that pizza, I'm starving."

Cam shut his eyes tight. "A lot of beer."


	9. Relic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lorne/Sheppard, Walk softly but carry a big stick, theme: cliche (PG-13)

Evan put his fist to his mouth and bit down hard. The pain was almost enough to cancel out his amusement. Well, no, the only way that sentence could work would be if 'almost' was replaced with 'nowhere near'. On the other hand, he was the only one who wasn't snickering aloud, so that was nice.

"Not. One. Word. Major," John said. "This is a invaluable cultural artifact and we are honored to accept it."

"I see, sir," Evan said quickly. Unable to help himself, he added, "It only looks like a vibrator, yes sir."

And that was enough to set the marines off laughing until they were doubled over and gasping for breath with tears in their eyes. John took it fairly well, Evan thought, just crossing his arms in a way that non-to-successfully hid the silvery phallic object under his arm, closing his eyes, and taking deep breaths.

"Major," John said as the laughing died down, "please deal with this situation."

"Yes, sir." Lorne turned to his men. "Okay, guys, you know the drill. Not a word of this to anyone when we get home, you hear? You won't like it if I hear anything around base."

"Sir, yes, sir," they said in unison.

"Good. Let's head back to the gate. Take point, Staff."

The marines ambled off, happily chattering away and making rude gestures to each other. The two airmen waited for them to be a safe distance ahead before beginning to walk themselves.

"So," Evan said after a minute. "Ancient artifact?"

"Yep," John confirmed. He handed it over for Evan to look at. It had a convenient handle at one end, a long smooth section with a rounded tip at the other, and enough of a bulge in between to prevent unfortunate accidents.

"Do you think it's what it looks like?"

"Yep," John said again.

"Hmm. I guess it's about the right size, although maybe a little on the small size." As soon as he said it, it started to grow longer and thicker. Evan blinked and thought something else, and it obligingly became less rigid and more flexible. "Oh, hey, that's nifty. You gotta love Ancient technology."

"It's self-sterilizing, too," John said. He handed over a small booklet, which turned out to have plastic pages, Ancient writing, and diagrams.

"So... is this going in the mission report?"

"I was kinda hoping to keep it for some personal experiments."

"I could get behind that."

"That's what I like about you, Major. Always willing to help your CO out."

"I live to please, sir."


	10. Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lorne/Sheppard, fights, theme: collecting (PG-13)

"Teyla," John said, sneaking into her quarters, "you've got to help me."

Teyla looked up from where she was meditating took a moment to assess the situation. John did not look frightened, angry, or battle-ready, and there had been no hint of trouble over the radio. Rather, he looked... guilty. Shifty, perhaps.

"Help you with what?"

"You need to hide me," John said, "and help me find a gift. Something artistic, maybe. Or would that seem too trite? It should be rare, too - say, rare enough that you could reasonably expect an unexpected delay."

"I... see."

"Great."

"Actually, no, I do not. Perhaps you should explain whom this gift is for, and what the occasion for."

"Lorne. Evan. Anniversary."

"Perhaps he would like a gift of verbs," Teyla suggested.

John scowled at her. "Hah hah. That's hilarious. Seriously, I need one, like, now. Or better yet, last Friday. Otherwise he's going to kill me."

"I doubt that very much, John."

"No, I'm serious! I completely forgot about it! And you know him, he's all about calendars and charts and numbers, he takes this sort of thing seriously. He's been stalking me all day, probably just waiting for me to slip up and admit it. Then, bam, he's going blow me head off and blame alien mind-control."

"I find that unlikely as well."

Just then the door chimed. John rapidly waved his hands in a warding gesture, and when she called out for whoever was there to come it, he dove behind her bed and landed with a heavy thud.

"Afternoon, Teyla," Evan said as he came it. "You haven't seen Colonel Sheppard, have you?"

"Not recently, no," she said.

"Damn. Nygaard said she saw him come this way, but he must have been going somewhere else. If you see him, tell him I need to talk to him."

"About what?"

"I've got some paperwork he's supposed to sign off on. It's weird, he's usually on top of this sort of thing, but he hasn't come near our offices in a couple days. If I don't get this by tonight's databurst, Quartaro might find himself stuck at second lieutenant for the rest of his life."

"I'm sure he will turn up shortly. By the way, how was your anniversary?"

Evan frowned. "Anniversary?"

"I thought it was last Friday. Was I incorrect?"

"Yeah, it's next week." Evan pulled out a PDA and tapped it before showing it to her. "See? Next Friday."

"I must have been mistaken. My apologies."

"No problem. Sorry to have bothered you, I've got to get back to hunting down my CO."

"Good luck."

Once Evan was gone, John raised his head above the bed. He had an impressive bruise on his head. "Okay, so maybe I was wrong."

"So you were. When we visit Tanara tomorrow, we shall visit the market and find a suitable gift."

"Thanks."

"It is no problem."


	11. Mission Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Sheppard/Evan Lorne, dress blues, theme: colors (R)

It's hour four of the Longest Banquet Ever, and things are finally starting to die down. Lorne figures that he's got maybe another half hour or so before he can safely escape unnoticed. He's eager to do so; if he has to keep smiling much longer he's going to snap and shove his glass through someone's throat, and his uniform is bugging the hell out of him. He hasn't really liked his Class As since about, oh, when he was a cadet, and he's only grown to dislike them more since coming to Atlantis. The standard uniforms are extremely comfortable, especially once broken in. His blues, on the other hand, itch and no longer fit quite right thanks to the absurd about of running he does these days.

Lorne can sense trouble coming up behind him and maneuvers himself so that he's standing with a pillar blocking him from most of the room.

"Colonel," he says.

"Evening, Major," Sheppard says. He comes to a halt next to Lorne and, in direct contravention of proper posture and decorum, sticks his hands in his pockets. "Having fun?"

"Of course I am, sir."

"You've looked like you are."

"Have you been watching me?"

"Oh, yeah."

'Danger, Evan Lorne!' a voice in Lorne's head says. 'Danger!'

Lorne glances out of the corner of his eye and is just able to see Sheppard. "Like what you see, sir?"

"I do at that," Sheppard says. "Has anyone ever told you that you look great in dress blues? You're so trim and tidy, with just a hint of how built you are peeking out. Just a compact example of pure sexiness wrapped in a neat little blue package, waiting to be unwrapped. If I had my way, I think I'd find a wall to push you up against a wall, pull your cock free, and suck your brains out."

Lorne resists the urge to loosen his collar. "That would probably be a bit impractical given the setting, sir."

"The funny thing is, even when I was just fantasying about it I knew you'd say that," Sheppard replies with a deep chuckle. "Which means we'd have to find somewhere a little more private."

"That'd make sense, yes."

"So instead, I got to thinking of what else I could do. I could tie you down to the bed and get you all nice and spread out, for example, and play around with you for a while. It'd make getting your clothes off a little hard, though."

"Could be worked around," Lorne says thoughtfully. He shifts slightly to better hide the fact that he's half-hard. "There's more than one way to tie a person up."

"A desk could be a good substitute, I suppose. They tend to make access easier. Or I could just tie up your hands, maybe blindfold you, then get you down on your knees. Hell, the uniform could come off after a while to make things more interesting - after all, taking it off could be a lot of fun in and of itself."

"It sounds like an area worth exploring." Lorne raises an eyebrow. "I do see one mistake you've made, though."

Sheppard looks at him, curiosity and anticipation dancing in his eyes. "What's that?"

"You seem to be assuming I'll be the one taking orders and getting tied up."

Sheppard licks his lips. "You saying that's wrong, Lorne?"

"That I am. I'm going to do a last round and make my excuses. Meet me in my quarters in fifteen minutes." Lorne smirks. "All you'll need is your uniform, I've got anything else we might require."

Sheppard swallows and grins. "Sir, yes, sir."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John/Cameron, ladies love country boys (PG)

John always finds it amusing to watch Cam when they hit a bar with the guys. Not one of their kind of bars, mind - the kind where they go with other pilots, where there's girls who like to fawn over brash young flyboys. They always gravitate in Cam's direction, which John supposes he can appreciate. There's something about him that just makes you want to like him. He stands out from the rest of the guys, good-looking and tall for a pilot, and more importantly there's that Carolina drawl and 'aw shucks' farmboy innocence. Cam always just smiles and politely moves them along, doing his part by pointing them along to Billy-boy or Hound Dog or whoever else needs a bit of companionship. Everyone but John is left with the impression that he's up to his ears in women and a generous buddy.

As for John, well, he knows they all think that Shep's a bit of a loner and nursing a love for a sweetheart off on some other continent. They can appreciate that. They just don't know his real sweetheart's a bit closer to home.


	13. Dinochrome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cam/John, Terminator would kick Robocop's ass! (PG)

"So," Unit 343-CAM of the Line said, "giant robot warships. That's new"

"Tell me about it," replied Unit 249-JHN of the Line.

"Kinda cool, though." CAM twirled his main gun turret around. "I mean, the last time SG-1 got turned into robots, they were just duplicates with bad batteries. A ZPM-powered war machine's a hell of a lot better. Look at the size of this gun I've got."

"You've got a real impressive... weapon alright," JHN replied, someone managing to smirk despite being nine million tons of battleship.

"Yours is pretty nice too, big boy."

There was a pause. "Are you hitting on me?"

"Yeah. Weren't you hitting on me?"

"Maybe?"

"What do you mean, maybe?"

"Um..."

"Oh, come on, Sheppard. It's a yes or no question."

"Well... I don't know if I'd say I was exactly hitting on you...."

"For fuck's sake. Do you or do you not find me attractive? Would it help if I said that every time I see you sprawled in a chair, I want to get on my knees and suck you off?"

"In that case, I was definitely hitting on you."

CAM realized there was a small problem. "Huh. You know, I would have been a lot more pleased by that if I weren't currently a giant robot battleship without the right equipment."

"Same here."

Several seconds passed before CAM said. "God, this is boring. How long do you think it'll be before Sam and McKay find a way to get us out of here?"

"At least an hour, maybe a couple days," JNH replied.

"Christ, that's an eternity with these brains."

"And it assumes that that machine didn't just copy us," JHN added.

CAM accessed his external sensors. "Well, crap. Look, that's us down there walking to the gate."

"Damn. That's inconvenient. I was hoping Rodney could at least fix the equipment problem."

"Eh, I bet we can manage it ourselves. In the mean time, we're robot battleships. Want to go blow some shit up?"

"Sure, why not."

With a rumble of engines, the two giant robot space battleships flew off into the sunset.


	14. Paperwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SGA, sheppard/lorne, catching up on paperwork

John Sheppard has a deep, dark secret, one which is known only to three other people. Even Rodney McKay, his closest friend and confidant, does not know it. Teyla Emmagan stumbled upon it by accident after the battle with Michael's hives and the loss of the _Orion_, and was sworn to secrecy. Samantha Carter, in a better position to notice little discrepancies and having seen someone who was actually what John pretended to be, soon recognized his true nature but kept quiet. He was not abused by his father, has no secret love-child on any world, nor is he sleeping with McKay; these rumors, for all that they are common in the Atlantean gossip mill, are baseless. The secret does not involve his cooking skills, which indeed are known well by his team, nor does is it his ongoing affair with one of his subordinates, which is rather more well-known than either of them thinks. It is far worse than that.

John Sheppard, slacker extraordinaire, likes doing paperwork.

He finds it soothing, actually, especially after a hard day. He enjoys reading reports and trying to figure out what's not being said, and to write his own. He likes filling out forms and finding loopholes in regulations, because it makes him feel good to know that everything is in order and his unit will get the supplies it needs. He knows how important performance reviews, citations, and awards are for the careers of his men. Really, there's few things he likes more than laying in bed at the end of the day with his tablet, going through files and finding new and perverse ways of harassing distant quartermasters and personnel officers back on Earth.

One of those things, of course, is doing it with his XO in the same bed.

"You know," Lorne says one night, "you have the weirdest ideas about dates."

"This is not a date," John insisted. "This is just us relaxing a little."

"Uh huh."

"Besides, you're enjoying this too. And I don't think the man who made me pose nude with a fruit gets to call people weird."

"It was a vegetable."

"Whatever. Do you have those R-74-stroke-Z forms ready for me yet?"

John later writes Lorne a concise report comparing their paperwork nights to date nights, noting that actual date nights involved no forms. Lorne retorts that both kinds of night end up with them having orgasms, so maybe John's definition of date is wrong. Also, he has a short treatise on proving that John has a paperwork kink. It has footnotes.

John does not, in fact, have (much of) a paperwork kink. What can he say? He likes sex even more than doing paperwork.


	15. Mystery Math

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stargate: Atlantis, Lorne/Sheppard, acting like he's dumb when he could have gone to MENSA

Evan entered John's office and found him leaned over his laptop with an expression of intent thought on his face. He waited a few seconds to be acknowledged, but as John continued to type madly without so much as glancing up it quickly became apparent that even a 'hello' was unlikely to be forthcoming. Evan walked over and sat down on the desk, glancing at the screen to see complex equations taking form on it.

"I see the Mystery Mathematician is hard at work again," Evan commented. He had been present the last time McKay and Zelenka had gotten a well-anonymized email containing complex math equations, in that case related to wormhole physics. Their reactions had varied between near-orgasmic joy at the apparently-awesome physics and thunderous ire over the hidden nature of the source. Evan suspected that, protests about wasted potential aside, they were secretly afraid the source was some botanist or jarhead. "You know, one of these days they're going to figure out it's you, and there's going to be hell to pay."

"Eh," John said. "That's what SERE training is for. That, and a battalion of marines for bodyguards."

"What are working on this time?"

"I'm just finishing up a little something that I've been working on for a couple years. I've finally figured out the last few touches it needs."

"That's great," Evan said. "And it also doesn't answer my question."

"This," John said, making a few final keystrokes with considerable flourish, "is the fundamental set of equations that describe how to create a pocket universe and then extract zero-point energy from it. Which just happens to be what you need to know in order to make a ZPM."

Evan blinked several times in astonishment. "Really."

"Really."

"You just figured out the physics behind ZPMs."

"Yep. Although to be fair, I had to get a little advice from Sam on one part, but I'd say it's ninety-five percent my work."

"Wow." Evan was so stunned that for a few moments he couldn't figure out what to say. Something quickly came to mind. "McKay is going to string you up by your own entrails."

"Eh. He'll still have to figure out how to use the equations to make one. Engineering's not my thing. Besides, he'll never find out who wrote it."

"Oh, no," Evan said firmly. "You are not sending this to them anonymously this time, not with something this important. I can't believe you put so much effort into hiding this in the first place."

"It's not a big deal, just a hobby," John said with an uncomfortable shrug. "I don't want to end up spending all my time in a lab."

"Yeah, just like Carter does. Wait - she commands a starship. If you don't say something, I will."

John gave him a disgruntled look. "How about we go somewhere and celebrate my breakthrough?"

"If you're trying to distract me with sex, it's not going to work."

"I can be very distracting."

Evan grinned. "We'll see."


	16. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mulder200 asked for: SG1/SGA Cam/John, "You're an angel?! Prove it!"

"So prove it!" John yelled.

"Okay, I will!" Cam shouted back.

In all honesty, John was just humoring Cam in the hopes that he could keep him distracted until John could call for a medical team. Except then he heard the sound of cloth ripping, and a pair of huge white wings sprung out from under Cam's shirt. John stared for a minute, unable to make more than a vague, "Uh," sound.

"See? Angel," Cam said. "Here, let me give you a better look." He tried to turn around, but one wing brushed against a lamp. He jerked back from that, which made him stumbled and trip, and as he flailed around to regain his balance his wings suddenly spread out more. John got a momentary up-close look at one of them.

He came to a little while later, staring up at Cam's worried face.

"Did you just smack me in the face with your wing?"

"Sorry?"

"You bastard!"

Cam crossed his arms and his wings rustled over his shoulders. "You know, I could find someone else to help me with this entire saving the world thing."

John eyed Cam's wings. "Do those work?"

"Yes."

"I don't suppose you could -"

"Maybe if you loose a couple of pounds."

"Bastard."


	17. Interrupted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: John and Cam (maybe Lorne?) being interrupted by a member of Cam's family.

Cam hadn't exactly told his family about how the two guys he brought home weren't just friends. His parents didn't even know that he was gay, and while he planned to tell them eventually he really wasn't sure that Christmas was the best time to do it. Telling them that he was engaged in a polyamorous relationship with two other officers was really right out. He'd probably get an earful about it some day, but at least it wouldn't mean a huge amount of drama while the entire extended family was there to listen in. Fortunately, the cramped conditions of the house, which was bursting with relatives flown in from around the country, meant it was easy enough to excuse sticking two cots into Cam's room, and if those cots never got used, well, no one needed to know that.

The thing was, Cam, John, and Evan were fit, young(ish) men in their prime, and like other such men they had needs. Like any airmen, they were used to putting off those needs when duty called, but they were on leave and there really didn't seem to be much reason _not_ to fool around when they had a chance. That was especially true when it came to lazy wake-up sex, which they didn't get to do all that often. Cam certainly wasn't going to object, not when he was making out with Evanand John was kissing his way down Cam's body.

Of course, that was when his idiot brother chose to barge in unannounced.

"Hey, lazybones," Ash said, "do you have a pair of... uh."

John did the smart thing, which was to yelp in panicked embarrassment and roll off the side of the bed to land with a thump safely out of sight. Cam just gaped with startled expression that echoed his brother's. Evan, of course, didn't even know what shame was, and so he was the first to say something.

"Do you need something?"

"I, uh," Ash said. He stepped further inside and shut the door. "I was looking for an extra pair of sweatpants." He rubbed his brow. "So, friends, huh?"

Cam groaned. "Grab the damned pants and get out."

"And two of them, too," Ash went on, starting to smile a little. "That's kind of impressive."

"I like to think so," Evan said.

"Get. Out."

"Okay, okay," Ash said, ambling over to the dressed. He peeked around the bed. "Morning, Sheppard."

"Mitchell," John mumbled.

Ash got a pair of Cam's sweats and returned to the door. "Carry on, gentlemen."

"Fuck off and die," Cam said.

"Try to cheer Colonel Grumpy-Ass up, guys. We don't want him ruining everyone's Christmas spirit." With that he left and firmly shut the door behind him.

He was damned lucky that Evan and John did cheer Cam up a lot, otherwise he would've gotten his ass kicked.


End file.
